Dear Sir

This post is a little different than most of my posts. I have been following the Zero to Hero Challenge, and luckily today is Bloggers Choice. I felt compelled to take a moment and write. This post came about because I was reminded of my past. I was reminded of the mistakes I made in the past and the promise I made to myself that I would never again let someone, anyone, take advantage of me. Our past usually holds memories and incidents that we would rather forget or would rather just erase completely. We drink for a reason, and usually those reasons are memories from the past that still haunt us. Drinking relieves the pain, if only temporarily. But facing our painful memories and the mistakes that haunt us is the single weapon we have to destroy them.  

Dear Sir,

I normally compose letters for you, but this letter is addressed to you.  I am hoping that it will shed some light on what you seem to have decided is a great idea. You are a powerful man with a keen mind, and you are paid for your great thinking and ideas.  This one is not so great.

You have mentioned the absence of passion in your life and your marriage several times over the past year.  I thought maybe you needed some advice, or just an ear to hear your worries.  I was flattered that you thought highly enough of me to trust me with my confidence and advice.

But I noticed a change in the way you looked at me. Your eyes lingered a little too long, like you were waiting for me to read your mind.  I could feel your eyes follow me out the door of your office. I could see you watching me through the window when you thought I wasn’t looking.  It startled me and made me nervous.  I must admit, the realization that you found me attractive was quite exciting.  At times I felt like I was back in high school, giddy and flustered when you came near.  I thought maybe you needed a little help with your confidence, so I let you look.

The comments you made began to alarm me.  At first I laughed and passed them off.  I tried to pretend I didn’t understand what you were referring to when you turned my words into sexual innuendos and jokes.  I laughed when you laughed because I didn’t know how to react. I was a bit confused by all this, because I too, am now married and most people respect that.  But for some reason you seemed to change your attitude about that.

Your invitation to meet you outside the office was alarming, yet flattering at the same time. I surely did not want to upset you or go against your wishes, but the invitation made me quite uncomfortable, even though you promised it was just for conversation.  You seemed so eager and excited about it.  My answer was a vague half-yes and half-no.  While I searched for a good answer, my mind raced with the possibilities of how this would turn out. I am your employee, so my first thought is always to do as you ask.  I tried not to think about it and finish my work, but kept finding my thoughts wandering.  I started making mistakes on documents and had to redo several.

The unexpected touch of your fingertips on my lower back the other day really had me worried. My nerves were already frazzled and I could barely breathe.  We were discussing something with several managers, but they couldn’t see where your hand was. I didn’t want to say something and embarrass you or me, so I didn’t. Once again, I let it go. When you finally left, my mind went crazy, spinning and spinning and making me dizzy.  I tried to relax and take some deep breaths.  Fear was now foremost in my mind. Fear at what was happening and how it was happening. You were all smiles, like you had just discovered the Fountain of Youth.

You see, Sir, I have been in this situation before.  I know what the outcome will be.  You have no idea how much I recognize from the past. I tried not to see it.  I tried to let it go.  I didn’t want to say no and upset you.  I love my job, Sir, and I didn’t want to lose it.

And then I remembered the children; the children of my former boss, the owner of the company I worked for ten years ago. I can see them, clear as day, standing there in the lobby, scared and confused. Their lives were about to take an abrupt turn, and they had no idea how to deal with it. The four of them stood there trying to look their normal, happy kid selves. It worked for a few minutes, but the fear and uncertainty returned abruptly as their mother motioned for them to stay put, with a look on her face that I’m sure they had never seen before. I remembered that look of disbelief and pain on her face as she entered the office. I remember the look of hatred and disgust as she looked me in the eye and told me to get out.

I was humiliated, angry at him, and angry at myself. I was angry at myself, furious at myself, for letting this happen, again. This man 10 years ago was the second boss to engage me in this behavior.  The first time was long, long ago, before there was a term “Sexual Harassment”. But I should have recognized the signs and said something to him, or someone. But I didn’t.  I was scared. I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to face the fact that I would probably lose my job. I tried to hang on, back then, as best I could, not knowing that I would lose my job whether I said something or not.

This time is different, Sir. This time I managed to sift through the anxiety, embarrassment, and disbelief and remind myself that I know what is right. I had to leave behind the constant sense of loyalty to you and face the fact that you were not loyal to me. You were out for your own satisfaction and nothing else mattered. You used your power, your money and your position to manipulate me into doing what you wanted.

What you failed to realize, Sir, were the consequences of your choice. You failed to see past the heels and C-cup breasts and into the reality beyond. You failed to see that your great idea, your fantasy, would never hold up in the real world. Your wife would find out. Other employees would find out. Your fantasy would fizzle fast and leave behind it a bitter, undeserving woman with two confused and angry children who don’t deserve to have their lives up-ended. And it would leave behind one very angry, lonely, heartbroken ex-employee.

This time is different, Sir. This time I am standing up for myself and for the values I was raised with. I know I may end up without a job again.  But this time I can leave with my head held high, knowing I am leaving with my reputation and emotional state in tact. I will leave knowing that I have nothing to hide and nothing to be embarrassed about.

This time, Sir, you will be the one with all of the scars.

Sincerely,

Me

cc: Human Resources

Click this link for facts about sexual harassment.

Thank you to my friend Candace Graham.

Sometimes, men (women too) just don’t get it.